What If?

What if? what if I did this instead of that? What if I told him I loved him when I had the chance? Would things be different? Would I be different?

Life has so many questions and no answers. We may think we have answers but in all reality we don"t. We have answers we make up in our head, but none that are real. My favorite question is what if? What if dot. dot. dot. Everyone has their own words to fill in. I think we're supposed to wonder, wonder about that boy who got away, wonder about words we didn't say when we should have, wonder if maybe I should have just laughed. Questions keep the past alive, but also haunt the present and taunt the future. If we constantly ask whats going to happen, we're going to miss what's going on right now. Sometimes questions help clear a situation, other times they confuse it more. At the end of the day , when I'm going over the events that happened I start as asking myself what if. dot. dot. dot. 

Then I realize that my question, is just that. A question. Then another thought occurs, what if I just let go? What if I let the past, stay the past. Lessons learned, lived, and done. Let the future stay a mystery. An unmapped part of my life that only I can reveal. Let the present stay my priority. What if is a powerful statement, but what if, I let it stay a statement. And go on living my life. No questions asked .

SimIply Beautiful.

I've come to think that everything has its own timing, and in that timing there's a reason and 

 meaning. Special moments happen at the time you need them the most, the exact moment your going to appreciate it most. I think that's the same for the bad moments also. The bad moments happen at the time you need to break. When you can't bear to keep it in and your soul just lets go. That moment you break and scatter into a million different pieces. Your dam finally breaks and the water comes rushing out, the water flows freely to where ever it wants. Whenever that happens to me, I stand there and look in aw at how beautiful the water looks glistening in the sun. Or how the moon looks on the slowly stilling water. I think the bad moments in life, the moments that make you explode are some of the most crucial moments. They make you who you are, and show the beautiful moments more clearly. Don't get me wrong, good moments shape you too, but there's just something about the calmness after the storm, that makes all of the storms bearable. A girl once said that something had a lot of spots, and tears but was still simply beautiful. Those bad moments, the tears and brown spots, along with the great moments and all the other moments in between, make our lives just that. Simply beautiful. 

 

Trails

I went on a church retreat this past weekend. We went to the lake land retreat center. That place was beautiful, and extremely large. For one of the teachings we got to go have alone time with God. Now the place has a gorgeous lake and there's gazebo type things you can sit on and look out across it to the hills and see the sun and all the pretty trees. So during my alone time i decided to go there, the only problem was that the only way to get there was through this path, it was shaded and there were all these creepy crawler things in it. But the thing i noticed most about this path was how easy it would be to get lost.

If i stepped to far to the left or right, i would be lost in this forest with no way to find my way back. So that got me thinking about my relationship with God. 

My life is that trail. Dark, cold, and uncertain. With all types of things that are going to try to get me off track. But as i walked farther and farther into the path i started to see the lake, the sun was at the perfect angle to where it was reflecting the water. I realized if i focused on the lake and let the lake pull me to itself i would be able to get out. I think God is pulling me towards him, screaming out my name and all i have to do is walk to Him, because He'll always pull me to exactly where He wants me to be. All i need to do is listen and look.

Unmoving Love

"When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?      Forgetting what the world has told me. Father of love you can have me, you can have me."  

There's so much truth to that song. I know for me i wish i could be living that song up all day, everyday. Totally on fire for Him, but we all know that's not true. Its hard to focus on that unmoving love throughout my days. Good and bad. But especially the good. 

Now that sounds a little backwards, but have you ever really stopped to think about when you really get down on your hands and knees to pray? For me its when I'm hurting, and more than less, its when I'm hurting really bad. Or when I'm so helplessly lost i cant even begin to find my way back.

I'm not begging Him to hold me when I'm in a great mood. Of course I thank Him and talk to Him, but its not the same satisfaction, that same wave of serenity when I'm begging Him to notice me during the bad times.

Love that's unmoving,is so hard to come by. I wonder what would happen if everyone who was lost looked to the Father of love? where would the world be.

Drops of Jupiter...

I've always wanted to be the girl in trains song drops of Jupiter. I don't know why though. I think its because the girl in the song was so free, she went to the places most people wouldn't even dream of going let alone actually getting on a rocket ship and going there. I like to say that I'm this outgoing not afraid of anything take life by the horns kinda girl. But to be honest, that's not even close to the truth. My life's decisions haven't been made based on how i felt at that moment. They were made on how i felt everyday and what would if...
All of the moments when i didn't think, when life was on the edge, were when I'm with Hailey. Now granted, shes the reason ill probably end up going bald or white haired, or heck, even both. She makes me angry and upset, but shes also the only person who can make me go from angry beyond angry to happier than a fat baby who gets a cookie.

The truth is Hailey is the girl in drops of Jupiter, not me. Although i wish i could be. Sometimes i think i live life through her, and hey, sometimes i do. I'm happy though, watching for her in the stars while i sit on my rocking chair. I heard this quote once "of two sisters on is always the dancer, the other the watcher."  I found that to be the complete and honest truth. I wouldn't have our relationship any other way.